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Winter

I ran off,

Where the drifts get deeper,

Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown,

I hear a voice,

“You must learn to stand up,

for yourself, ‘cause I can’t always be around.”

“Winter”, Tori Amos

You won't BELIEVE the story of my return to the states.* My plane was delayed two hours, the bus from Logan to Framingham got stuck in traffic for over a hour, causing Mom to have to wait for me at the bus station; my doors wouldn't close on the Bonneville, and I had to drive with the door open, and hold it closed with my left hand, thus very little heat was generated through the cockpit; the roads were icy to boot; and, when I got home, I was greeted with frozen water pipes and had no water for two days!! I kept a smile on the whole time, and even learned how to prime the house water-pump with instructions by telephone from ex-hubby. A real do-it-yourself-er I turned out to be!! Told ya the dogs going under the house would create problems -- no insulation, and subzero temps caused the pipe-freeze. All in a day's work; I think I passed that test!

It's snowing here. I've been going to bed very early and getting up very early these days. It feels good. Plus, I've only been eating one meal a day, and I can now fit into my size 3's again!

You also wouldn't believe the bullshit I've been going through with the cottage. Problems, problems every day something new. Every day a new repairman. It hasn't gotten above 20 degrees since before I came back from London. The household drains are frozen and won't unclog. Symbolic of the spiritual side, and I know once the drains unclog, the heart & soul will, too. There's a foot of snow. Amy’s boyfriend helped me plow out yesterday. He lives across the street. The sun is shining brilliantly, and there are five-foot-long icicles glimmering outside the window, dripping little diamonds of water allover the snow. I've just come back from a walk with the dogs, Timba and Lady, who were armpit-deep in snow, frolicking around -- they were so cute! The sky is perfectly blue and cloudless, and there are lots of small planes flying about. What a day to go zooming around in the sky. The cat has taken to sleeping on top of the desk instead of on my bed... can't figure that one out! The snow is piled up real deep, and the pond is magical and romantic. People are skating on little "rinks" that they managed to shovel out. Others are ice fishing way out there in the middle of the big half of the pond. I wish I had a snowmobile! How I loved riding snowmobiles when I was a kid, and this is the perfect place for it. I could find a snowy path from here to his house. It would be fabulous!!!

There's nothing like the peaceful sound of a late night snowstorm -- silence. That's the most special time to go for a walk, and just listen to nature. It's the time when all the people hide inside, and if you're real lucky, and you sneak out, you can capture a moment that few others even know exists. Your footsteps get covered up as soon as they're made, and nobody

can tell you were there because the snow muffles all sounds. But do it before the snow-plow comes!!

Today, I walked in the sunshine and had to deal with the noise of the people. I still found a quiet place to go and reflect on special feelings and thoughts. I thought: Wanna have a snowball fight? but no one else is here.

The power went out at my house, and everything froze... it was out overnight.

I lost a whole night's sleep because I had to keep the fire going in the woodstove. Ugh. I'll tell you, I was cursing up and down and all around for being here in 20 below zero weather.

After everything in my house freezing, and my car not starting, I managed to get to my counseling session today. Tonight is AA meeting #4. The road to recovery. Since I came back from London here is what I've had to deal with (and believe me, I am having a really, really, really hard time): First the plane was late; the bus was delayed; the car doors were frozen ajar;and the water pipes froze at the cottage. The next day, the oil burner broke down. The following day, the car had a gas leak, it snowed 5 inches, and the waterpump at the cottage crashed and I had to learn how to prime it by telephone instruction. The following day, I was having problems emotionally handling some stuff that came up in counseling, so I had to take time off from work, all this other stuff happening domestically was making it that much more difficult. Throughout this ordeal, the temperature outdoors did not rise above the 20 degree mark. The next day the drains froze at the cottage, and I had to stay home to deal with that. I called Peter (Nadine's boyfriend) and he didn't show up, I called Scott (Brad's brother) and he didnt' show up either. That night, it snowed 12 inches, I called three other plumbers, and none of them would come out in the snow. The next day I had Roto Rooter come over, and paid him $50 to do nothing "Nuthin' you can do ma'am; da drains are froze undah da house. Gotta wait til da wahmah weadah. Gotta bail out your sink til den." Yuh, thanks. Two days later, it was 20 below zero outside with no wind blowing. The electricity went out at 3:30 a.m. and was out until 7:30 a.m. I had to stay up all night, tending the woodstove which wouldn't heat more than one square foot of the room. I lost a whole night's sleep, and it was literally 22 below zero. No heat, no water, only 5 pieces of dry wood, 12 inches of snow on the ground, and no lights, and no arms to hold me and help me stop feeling so bad about all of this.

When the power came back on, the oil furnace wouldn't run, so still no heat -- the oil had gelled up from the cold temps. Had to have Art the repairman come over, again. Finally, I

thought, it was all over. Today, I went home for lunch, took a piss, flushed the toilet, and the waterpump broke again. I have to go home tonight and prime it again, and hope that

works. I just keep crying and wondering when all of this is going to stop. With all I have to deal with that is coming out in my therapy and group sessions, I am finding it hard to cope with these domestic breakdowns at the same time. I keep thinking: we create our own world -- could I be making these things happen myself? I'm so upset and wired out by all this, I can't sleep or eat. I'm really having a hard time, I'm just not handling this well at all. I am so upset, I can't stop crying. I wake up in the middle of the night when the furnace stops, and I worry for ten minutes until it starts again; then I fall back to sleep, then wake up the next time it stops running... the kitchen is filled with buckets of water all over the place, and it smells because I can't drain out the water from the sink. The plants are all dead because the heat went out. OH! And I forgot about the CD player! I used drano to free up the drains, and it ended up fuming the whole house with this chlorine smell, and I was choking and gagging. I had to wear my scarf around my face, and open ALL the doors & windows for an hour. It was 10 degrees outside and the wind was fierce. Some of the plants died, and the CD player didn't work the next day -- I didn't know it was so sensitive to temperature change until I read the owners manual. So, I had to return it to the dealer, and since it is a rack system, the whole rest of the stereo had to go back as well. So, I have no music in the house. Ex is taking the bed this weekend, along with the other furniture that belongs to him... so I will have to sleep on the sofa until I can afford a mattress & boxspring for the frame which is at Mom's. Also, I've bounced four checks...... Oh, God, this just makes me cry! I can't even eat because the kitchen stinks so much, and I have no money to go out to dinner!! I guess I'm not doing so good.

Afterwards, I saved the lives of a few of my plants that froze during the great ordeal, and I feel really good about it. I’m wearing my new black slacks which fit great since I've lost 5 pounds;

I feel a lot better today, being able to fix the stuff at the cottage by myself. I overslept this morning.

Tonight the temps are expected to drop to the zero mark, with gale-force winds which will make the thermoes plunge down to 27 below zero.

(a few days later)

Hooray, hooray!!! The drains are unclogged!!!!! After all the people I had over here trying to fix them, they just unclogged themselves. I was thinking: it was symbolic of what was going on inside me -- I was clogged with hate and resentment and negativity. As soon as I opened up and showed some loving, and went outside the house for a while, the drains opened up and the gunk went outside the house too.

I bought myself a rose on the way home. Boy, do I feel better! I woke up this morning, and the bathroom sink was clogged again... I immediately asked myself what was clogging my

energies I did a visualization exercise, and released everything into God's control, and let go. Then I left for work. I'll see when I get home whether it was effective! Sure beats Roto Rooter!!

The cat almost killed the bird again this morning -- I caught her HANGING from the

outside of the cage; the bird plastered against the bars in fear. The cat got the "firing squad" (me with the plant-sprayer on steady stream!!), and then she got thrown outside, all wet to think about it for a while. Now she's sleeping on the desk again; her latest favorite sleeping spot -- sunny, you know.

The drains are all clogged frozen again, but will open up with this warm weather we're having... which is DELIGHTFUL!! I get to sleep on the Castro Convertible Let's hope it doesn't get bitterly cold again, because I'm sleeping in the living room with those

two drafty sliding glass doors. My hi-fi isn't fixed yet, and I'm going NUTS without my music!!!

It's a magical Saturday sunset on the pond. The sky is blue, purple, red & yellow. There

are little campfires dotting the banks of the pond; children & families are ice skating about; it's warm (or FEELS warm by comparison).

I'm here, deciding what to eat for dinner – will it be eggplant parmesan?? The house is finally warm enough so that I don't have to wear anything but socks!! Plus, I've lost so much fat, I don't mind looking at myself in the full-length mirror anymore.

(the next day)

What a night! I slept nearly 12 hours. The last night in a real bed. Lumpy couch-bed from now on.

The stars were twinkling beautifully last night. I got up in the middle of the night and stood in the door gazing at the stars, thinking about how we all could probably see the very same stars

in the sky even though we're in very different parts of the world. The world is indeed small if you think about it on those terms. I felt the universe's power at that particular moment.

I've taken to drinking almond herbal tea, which tastes really great & makes me feel sensual & sexy. I've given up alcohol & caffeine almost completely, unintentionally, I just

haven't wanted it at all for about two weeks... which is unusual for me, but it's the answer to my prayers. I'm calm, quiet, steady, level-headed & un-obnoxious.

Well, I should take off these socks and get myself into the shower; then out for the Sunday paper & a long walk; then house-cleaning. Just think what I can do with two empty rooms!!!!

(later)

I got the house kinda cleaned up. I hid the piles of dirty dishes (which I couldn't wash in the sink) in the bathtub with the curtain closed. I hid the piles of dirty laundry (which I can't wash for the same reason-- clogs) in the closet with the door closed. Ex came over & took his bed & dresser. I proceeded to change the whole house around, and I love what I've done. I did it all in three hours, and I am exhausted. Ready for a nice dinner & some TV & sleep on my sofabed (home for the next who-knows-how-long!) The former bedroom is now a sitting room, it looks & feels very romantic! The office room is still a mess.

It's just fabulous. Know what else, the drains really unclogged last night. Around

3:15 a.m., I awakened to a loud WHOOOOSH!!, and presto, everything's clear as can be.

Later that night, I sent him this note:

Happy Anniversary! 2 years since Super Sunday when the car got stuck in the mud and you got stuck with me. The snow is beautiful, and the sun is glistening brightly through the white trees. It's really nice here, you're missing it!! Thank you so much for the flowers! They’re beautiful! You ol’ stick in the mud.

*This text originates from a series of emails written by me in January, 1988 after a trip to London, and describes my experience in central Massachusetts during the week following my return home to my non-winterized cottage on the pond.